Shooting the messenger: Only if you can make it about Apple

It is a simple fact of life that literally everything is
Apple’s fault. Such a sad trick of quantum mechanics that our
particular universe is based on that fundamental truth but…
here we are.

Writing for the lovely — LOVELY, I SAY — people and killer
molds and long uncomfortable silences at Business Insider, Mark
Matousek says “Air travel has become worse than ever — and
the iPhone is to blame.” (No link but a tip o’ the antlers to
Brian.)

Does Matousek even believe this? No. And, in fairness to him,
he may not have even written the headline. It was probably
written by one of Business Insider’s headline-writing
algorithms that jam “Apple” or “iPhone” into any and
everything.

“Dog Bites Man’s Apple iPhone, Apple Apple Apple.”

May or may not be an actual Business Insider headline. The
Macalope didn’t check.

You may be wondering “But, wait. Doesn’t Business Insider
famously use angry Apple-hating baboons to write its headlines?
I feel sure I read that somewhere.” Well, it’s true that
used to be the case, but the baboons were laid off
several years ago and replaced with an algorithm.

Note that the page title on this piece is the much more staid
“Airlines struggle with disruptive passengers.” BOR-ING. And,
uh, more importantly, it violates Business Insider’s SEO
maximization mandate. So, you will write it again, Mr.
Matousek, until it has the oily sheen of jamming Apple into all
the things that we like to see around here!

The article summary really shows just how much to blame the
iPhone is.

Airlines can’t control their passengers’ behavior, but they
haven’t done much to make flying less stressful.

Damn you, iPhone!

Wait, what?

It’s time again to play one of the Macalope’s favorite games,
“WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO KNOW?” The rules of this game are
simple: the horny one will as you, the reader, if you would be
surprised to know something. You will, upon hearing the
something, simply shake your head sadly because, no, you would
not be surprised to know this, because you’re just as jaded as
the Macalope is and you know how stupid tech coverage is. Let’s
play!

WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO KNOW… that neither “iPhone” or
“Apple” appears in the body of the article even once despite
the headline specifically blaming the iPhone, because the Apple
brand has literally nothing to do with this subject?

[a whoosh of wind created by all the sad head shaking]

Not. Once. Also not more than once, just to be clear. It’s not
80 times or something, it’s zero.

The point Matousek is trying to make is that viral videos taken
on and shared via smartphones “create the impression that air
travel has become a circus”. Then, despite that fact that for
years Business Insider has bemoaned Apple’s smaller market
share, the headline declares that it must be those terrible
iPhones rather than Android phones that are ruining air travel
for everyone by sharing videos of actual air travel.

At any rate, it’s not true that air travel has become a circus.
Circuses may feature the same level of animal cruelty, sadness
and clowns as air travel, but circuses actually start on time.
So, no.

Still, the article was perfectly fine. It’s Business Insider’s
patented Apple Jerkery Headline Generator™ the Macalope has a
problem with. Repeatedly.

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