Summary judgement: Face ID deemed not cool

The Macalope brings you a bit of the ol’ good news, bad news
today. Sadly, the good news comes first which is always means
it’s really just bad news.

Good news: we may have moved on from the argument that “Face ID
is a usability nightmare that doesn’t work all the time like
Touch ID did except for all the times it didn’t.”

Bad news: the replacement argument is even dumber.

Writing for Mashable, Jack Morse says “New Apple ad fails to convince us Face ID is
cool.”
(Tip o’ the antlers to Nick.)

There are some things in life that are just unambiguously
cool, like, I don’t know, motorcycles.

Cigarettes. Binge drinking. Sex addiction. Knife fights in back
alleys in 1920s Hong Kong.

Actually, that last one is super cool.

Apple’s Face ID is not one of those things.

How do we know Face ID is not cool? Because Morse
tells us it’s not cool.

And yet, as a new ad for the iPhone X unlock feature makes
clear, the cutting-edge kids of Cupertino desperately want us
to think otherwise.

Wait. Wait. Are you saying that advertising is trying to…
manipulate our perceptions about products by attempting to
create an image of what using those products is like?

[third eye opens, roll ending of 2001: A Space
Odyssey
]

It’s not working. 

Oh, but it is working.

See how easy that is? The Macalope doesn’t even really care
about defining Face ID as “cool.” He doesn’t even have an
iPhone X. But you can just type things into this little flat
device with the screen attached and then push a button to make
the things go out on the internet and then it becomes an
opinion that someone else has to refute. It’s amazing.

It may actually cause the end of civilization as we know it,
but it’s amazing.

Now we are at an impasse. Morse says it’s not cool but the
Macalope says it is. If you write about the relative coolness
of Face ID now, you must note that opinions differ.

You may also note that they are both stupid and based on no
objective truths. That is also accurate.

Actually, if you could lead with that, that would be great.
TIA.

Morse goes on to describe the ad because he knows any time you
describe something it automatically becomes not cool. Smart
move. To the Macalope is seems like a fine ad. Not one of
Apple’s best, but one that creates an evocative if over-the-top
metaphor for using Face ID.

But it ain’t cool, apparently.

Either way, the attempt to equate the utter blandness of Face
ID with something exciting is ultimately unsuccessful…

Must be true because someone wrote it on the internet. In this
article.

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